Lifes Fantasies

Sometimes life just takes us down roads we never expected.  Since about 6 months after we moved to Houston to be closer to family (because what other reason is there to be here?), I began to suspect we had made a very big and expensive mistake.  Unfortunately, I was right.

I was living in a fantasy of wishful thinking.  I would move back to Texas and would be close to my old friends, could see them any time I wished.  I would be able to hop in my car and drive to work and back without being bothered with pesky train stations and schedules, I would be back in the bosom of my family and host cozy dinners and morning surprise visits for coffee and chat.

Like I said, that was all a very big fantasy.  Life moved on without me here while I was in New York.   Holidays were already spoken for and no move was made to incorporate giving me time on that scale to host holidays in my home space.  Even worse, my own religious beliefs or rather the lack of them, were judged and it was decided that I didn't deserve to celebrate holidays because I wasn't a Christian.  My Grandchildren are a pleasure and I love being with them but that is getting increasingly difficult as they become busier and have less free time to hang out with us.  We love our home but I really had no idea that no one would come to visit us because "we live to far out of town".  We hate the hot sticky weather beset by hords of stinging, itching mosquitoes that just doesn't seem to bother most Texans. 

The end result of all this, what I can only call a huge catastrophe, has resulted in long periods of time estranged from my children and a LOT of confusion and hurt on both sides I suppose although I don't really know because rather than conversation about what is wrong, there is only cold silence.  I sit in traffic for hours a day to get to the only job I could get and that I hate.  When I left it, I knew it would be the last job I had here because no way is anyone here going to hire me at 62.  If I was going to pursue Voice Over full time, I would have been MUCH better positioned to do that in NYC.   We enjoy the house, but at what cost? 

I think most of all, I feel guilty for bringing Charles here, taking him from a very successful career path in New York to a place where both of us had to cut our income in half.  In my case, my age prevented my ability to work period.  The money spent moving here, buying our home, supporting me for the year before I actually got a job has decimated my retirement savings.  Our political stance puts us in a sea of red when our waters are painted blue.  My family barely tolerates us. a far cry from enjoying our company.  I wish I could say, but wait, there is a light at the end of this tunnel, but alas, I have not found it yet.  Right now, I'm just sad, hurt and regretful.  It's time to look for a way out and decide on the best strategy to get out.  I'll miss my home.  It's  the home I always dreamed of.  Oh well...